Allowing natural growth

We have 4 awesome kids. They came in pairs - older 2 separated by 2 years, then a 3 year gap, then the younger ones separated by just 16 months. Since our younger kids were born, the other kids have been the "big kids".

That changed tonight, and the story to how we get there is instructive, I think.

It is true that people become who you expect them to become. We expected our big kids to be good examples, responsible and kind, etc. We expected our "little kids" to not be as advanced. Of course they would be behind the big kids, but it was clear that when we were dressing our 4 year-old girl and her big sister was dressing herself at 3, that we had given in to what someone called the "soft bigotry of low expectations". Compound this with the fact that our little kids were the littlest kids we got to be around. They were the only ones we got to snuggle with, who said funny things, who needed help putting on their seatbelts.

Of course, it wasn't them that needed the help. We needed to give the help. We needed to feel needed. And it was all of us - parents, older siblings, grandparents. We all conspired to keep our little kids little.

Well, our little girl started kindergarten and turned 6, and she was having trouble adjusting to the big wide world. We started to make some conscious changes to our expectations of her and how we served her. Today, some things came to a head. I turned the corner by my bedroom door to find her sitting on the floor crying. The exchange went something like this:

L: Dad, it really hurts my feelings when people call me little. It's a little bit of an issue.

T: I'm sorry sweetie. Who does that most? Is it mom and I or the older kids?

L: It's mostly you and mom and the older kids and everyone.

T: Well, when we need to say things like, "get the car seats for the younger kids", what should we say?

L: I just want to be big, because I am big.

T: Okay. So do we call you and your little brother the big kids and the other kids the old kids?

L: (smiling) Yes. I would like that.

I thanked her for telling me her feelings, and promptly spread the news around to the rest of the family.

What is particularly salient about this event today is that she felt something, told me, figured out what she wanted to make it better, and was able to have a good conversation with me about it to find a solution. I didn't have to draw it out of her. It was her initiative. It is the most grown-up thing she has ever done. And I'm proud of her for it.

Bye bye little kids. I think my next opportunity will be in about a dozen years when the grand kids may start coming.