Allowing natural growth

We have 4 awesome kids. They came in pairs - older 2 separated by 2 years, then a 3 year gap, then the younger ones separated by just 16 months. Since our younger kids were born, the other kids have been the "big kids".

That changed tonight, and the story to how we get there is instructive, I think.

It is true that people become who you expect them to become. We expected our big kids to be good examples, responsible and kind, etc. We expected our "little kids" to not be as advanced. Of course they would be behind the big kids, but it was clear that when we were dressing our 4 year-old girl and her big sister was dressing herself at 3, that we had given in to what someone called the "soft bigotry of low expectations". Compound this with the fact that our little kids were the littlest kids we got to be around. They were the only ones we got to snuggle with, who said funny things, who needed help putting on their seatbelts.

Of course, it wasn't them that needed the help. We needed to give the help. We needed to feel needed. And it was all of us - parents, older siblings, grandparents. We all conspired to keep our little kids little.

Well, our little girl started kindergarten and turned 6, and she was having trouble adjusting to the big wide world. We started to make some conscious changes to our expectations of her and how we served her. Today, some things came to a head. I turned the corner by my bedroom door to find her sitting on the floor crying. The exchange went something like this:

L: Dad, it really hurts my feelings when people call me little. It's a little bit of an issue.

T: I'm sorry sweetie. Who does that most? Is it mom and I or the older kids?

L: It's mostly you and mom and the older kids and everyone.

T: Well, when we need to say things like, "get the car seats for the younger kids", what should we say?

L: I just want to be big, because I am big.

T: Okay. So do we call you and your little brother the big kids and the other kids the old kids?

L: (smiling) Yes. I would like that.

I thanked her for telling me her feelings, and promptly spread the news around to the rest of the family.

What is particularly salient about this event today is that she felt something, told me, figured out what she wanted to make it better, and was able to have a good conversation with me about it to find a solution. I didn't have to draw it out of her. It was her initiative. It is the most grown-up thing she has ever done. And I'm proud of her for it.

Bye bye little kids. I think my next opportunity will be in about a dozen years when the grand kids may start coming.

On being sacked but employed

Firstly, don't worry - I'm not demoted, or in any way in danger of losing my job. It's not like that. So now that you aren't worried, here's a little something about what's going on in my work life.

For the last 10 months, I've been working on a major project for the company. I could see that it needed to be done, it was on the periphery of one of my areas of responsibility, and it looked challenging. So I started asking questions and doing things to move it along, and soon found that it was "my project". I worked with a lot of people on 3 continents to get the project going. Some had expertise, some had logistical responsibilities, some had oversight of one aspect or another and had to buy off on technical decisions. I was genuinely busy and doing something important for the company.

During most of these 10 months, I was doing my "day job" for a couple hours a day, and spending the rest of my time on this project. Since September, I've been on the project 40-70 hrs per week, averaging about 60 hrs per week for that period. It's been busy. I haven't been able to help out at home like I like to, volunteer at the kids' school like I like to, or have any hobbies at all, actually. Even the men's group I sing with fell down the priority list. And forget about going on a date with my wife.

So in January, the time came to execute on the things I'd been preparing for since last April. We had answered the technical questions, prepared the documentation, completed training, identified and acquired the tools needed for the job, and now it was simply a matter of manpower. How quickly could we get the job done? We thought we had a good schedule, but it turned out to be inaccurate. 2 weeks ago, it become apparent that the job took a lot more manpower than I had planned. So the schedule slipped. Badly.

And my boss came to town, pulled me into a conference room, and told me I was no longer the project manager. My review would suffer, but that's all. I still had a place at the company, I just would get to focus on my day job more. Somebody new would be the project manager.

So - I lose the prestige and visibility of running the project, but I no longer have to work 70 hrs a week. And there's no change in pay. Hmm. Not so bad. On the one hand, the thing I want most in my workplace is to feel like I'm making a positive difference. And I was doing that. I made a mistake, sure, but I had made a lot of good decisions beforehand. And I was not going to be able to walk away from the project. I was too invested in it, and knew too much about it to simply hand it over. So I'm now a major support person for the project - I monitor what's going on, take care of a small subset of tasks as my specific responsibility, ask questions if they need to be asked, and answer questions when I am asked. It's still a full time job for me, and it's not all sunshine and roses for the new project manager, but I'm no longer nauseous with worry. It's no longer my problem.

It's an odd place - I'm very disappointed in how it worked out. I think that given what I knew at the time, I made a reasonable set of assumptions. I did due diligence to check those assumptions, but no one who could have improved them gave me any feedback in time to affect the outcome. At the same time, despite the disappointment, I got to go hiking with Liberty instead of working on Saturday. And I can sleep well. All in all, I'd have rather had both worlds, but given my new set of realities, it's certainly not all bad. Lemonade from lemons.

I learned some very important things about myself and my work world from the experience. Not appropriate for this forum, but important for me and my future.

Book Review: Son of a Witch

The sequel to Wicked is not its equal. Neither as imaginative nor as gripping, it is nevertheless an excellent reading experience.

Either Mr Maguire had a singularly lonely existence, or he chooses to make his protagonists exceedingly lonely. Liir, the protagonist in this book, is monumentally a loner. More so than his mother ever was. Part of this is his personal feeling of separation - never knowing who his mother was, growing up without any real friends in a mountain castle. Who wouldn't feel out of place in the Emerald City if they grew up in such a solitary situation? But part of it (and this is the best part about the book) is Liir's very conscious self dialog about his own nature. Is he a success? A failure? An obedient servant of the Empire and thus not accountable for what the Empire requires of him? A murderer of children? A magician? Is he even whole?

In a very opposite way to most of the mass-market fiction I read, Liir is very humanly messy. He does not come forth out of the author's head fully formed, a la Zeus or Harry Potter. He's a mess. And it takes him the entire book to get a handle on where to even start with defining who he is.

The book moves along pretty well. Maguire is not bound to put a certain amount of chronological time into a certain amount of pages. There are minutes that take a page, and 9 months that take 20 pages. He slows the book down when the action requires it. Takes some getting used to, but it's very pleasant. And Liir, overall, is a likable character. I wish the best for him, and feel for his background that leaves him so poorly prepared for life among other humans.

The book has 2 major flaws in my mind. One is my puritanism coming through: sex in these books is casual in every sense of the word. Commitment and sex do not go together, fidelity is not something any character strives for. If a spouse is faithful, it's simply by chance. This is not the way the world really works, is it? I don't think it is. But why Maguire chooses to separate commitment from sex is beyond me. I think it's an affectation of this type of fiction, and it saddens me. The other major flaw is that key plot elements just seem contrived. Princess Nastoya knows that Liir can help her, but how he ends up doing it is flagrantly contrived and completely unnatural. "It's the end of the book, and I have to have Liir help her, how can I do that in 5 pages?" Frankly, the whole Nastoya subplot was poorly executed. But this idea of fate pulling the strings and characters unknowingly doing what fate has decreed for them robs the characters of some of their nobility.

A good book, one which makes one think. And that's good, because you then have to sift out the moral issues from the writing issues, and come to a better understanding of the piece as a whole.

Now I need to check out the 3rd installment and complete the series. Time to see what the Thropp 5th Descending will do.

Book Review: Wicked

I have been building a library since I got a paper route at 12 yrs old. I lugged everything around for 20 years, until I did a purge 2 years ago. I'm more careful now, both in what I buy and what I keep.

That said, I'm a sucker for well-bound books. And I'm a sucker for cheap. And I love musical theatre. So I've been curious about Wicked for a long time, and when Borders had both Wicked and Son of a Witch bound in 1 gorgeous volume for about $10, I couldn't resist. A year later, I've finally finished one of them.

Wicked is set in Oz, during the reign of the Wizard of Oz, and follows the antagonist Elphaba (later known as the Wicked Witch of the West) from her birth to her death. She was born to the family of a country preacher just after the Wizard came to Oz. Frex, her father, was out preaching a lot and her mother was lonely. It is quite certain early in the novel that Frex is not her biological father. She grows up as a misfit - her green skin is unique, her personality too individualistic and honest to fit in with the Munchkin country folk. She spends time in the marshes, in the land of the Quadlings, where the father of her half-sister was from. She spends time at college, grows in horror at the authoritarian regime of the Wizard, and is a thoroughly likable character. Mostly.

The book is gritty. It does not shy away from discussing the nature of evil, sex, infidelity, forgiveness, family drama, murder, civil rights. Main characters die. It is not meant for kids. It is not excessively vulgar, either - if you watch basic cable, you see and hear worse things all the time. But it is an intense, deeply reasoned, and richly imagined book. The plot lines are interesting, if ambiguous (not The Unconsoled, but not Harry Potter, either), the characters are drawn complexly, and the many ambitious plot lines come together quiet well considering that the author has to contend with Dorothy's entrance at a critical juncture in Oz's political history.

Flaws? It's got some. Glinda is not as fleshed-out as I'd like. There's a lot more to her than we get to explore, which is a pity. The book spends a lot of detail on important period in Elphaba's life, and then it moves 7 years. For the way the story is told, it works. This one book really could have been 7 books for all the detail and complexity happening in it. But the one thing that I hated about it, absolutely hated, was that Elphaba's transition from a complex person to someone full of malice is not given adequate treatment. For 95% of the book, she is a sympathetic character, trying to help others and make the world a better place, to fight against the despotism of the Wizard, and never a powerful witch. In the space of 10 pages, she is transformed to someone who sends crows to peck a little girl's eyes out. It's not believable. It's awkward. And it's a shame, because the book is otherwise amazing. Start the transformation 50 pages earlier, and I forgive you, Mr Maguire, but in this form, the ending needs work.

I loved this book. And I'm glad I have the sequel, Son of a Witch, to keep me occupied from time to time when I can spare a few minutes.

Random thoughts for today

Random thought #1:

My daughter is in 5th grade. 5th grade was the year I started to understand myself and find what I loved. It was the year I did my first play, an elementary-school version of "Midsummer Night's Dream" complete with Elizabethan English. Just less of it. And I'd guess a lot of the innuendo was cut. I lost the script somehow.

At any rate, I was cast as Demetrius, opposite the charming, intelligent, and so very cute Sasha Christy as Helena. Naturally, during the show, I got a massive crush on her. It was an unrequited crush, as demonstrated by one of my favorite memories of that entire year. Tom (as Demetrius) "Spurn me, reject me, only let me follow you!" Sasha (as Sasha, with complete disgust all over her face) "Gross. Do you know what that means?" I honestly had no idea what she was talking about.

I wonder if my daughter will have similar experiences. Ah, 5th grade.

Random thought #2 :

A little bit of "life on earth" perspective. I was sitting in church today, thinking. I thought about going home to my kids, how glad I'll be to see them. My girls have cried because I'm gone. They'll be glad to see me. We've talked on the phone (Google phone is amazing for international travelers, BTW), but it has been 3 weeks since we've seen each other. The reunion will be sweet.

I've been away from my Heavenly Father for 35 years now. I hope that I have been a good enough kid that when I see Him again (a long time in the future), that we'll both be happy to see each other again.

Random thought #3:

I really really really really hope that Katrina lets me take Aria to rehearsal on Monday. But I'll do whatever she wants me to do - I've had plenty of time without little ones the last few weeks. Plus I can use the time to resolder my airplane battery connectors. They need it.

The Criterion for Success

I am getting older. Thankfully, so are my children. I love the craziness inherent in 4 year-old boys and the instability inherent all of us that comes to the fore so much more often in small children.

But my oldest child is 10 now. As with most of our parenting peers, we’ve tried pretty hard to give her opportunities to grow. Whether that means giving her as little help (and as much encouragement) as we can with her homework, or arranging music lessons or sports classes, we’ve tried to get her input on what’s interesting and do the research to find a good fit for her. In the last 2 years, she’s come into her own as a singer. She started group voice lessons, which doubled as a children’s choir, and really enjoyed it.

Once she realized she liked it, she went on the offensive. She fought (pretty hard) to sing a duet with an older girl for the church Christmas party in 2009 and nailed it in front of 500 people. She put together a solo for her choir’s performance and was excellent. She sings with me sometimes just for fun, and she can stay on the melody while I improvise a harmony.

Then, last Christmas, we got last-minute tickets to The Singing Christmas Tree. Aria had never been to the Keller auditorium before, and she’d never seen a professional-quality musical, either. She liked it. When we went NYC on vacation this year, we saw West Side Story on Broadway. Loved that, too.

So in our “it’s a new school year, what extracuriculars should we arrange for the kids?” conversation a few weeks ago, Katrina and I wondered aloud about the Singing Christmas Tree. With a little help from Google, we found the audition location and time, and that the paperwork to register was supposed to be in the day before. That was the first week of August. For a Dec performance. We submitted the paperwork, spoke to one of the audition judges, and were assured everything was ok.

The audition was last Monday. Aria and I showed up 15 minutes early, right on Tommy time. I always show up early for auditions. We sat and watched as more and more people filed into the room. After a short introduction by the children’s choir director, the parents were sent away, and I left my daughter to her first-ever solo audition. She was purely excited, no nerves at all. And she was very confident.

An hour later, I went back into the room to find her chatting on the hearth with 2 other girls. She was happy with her performance, and we went home, hoping for the best.

Tuesday, Katrina took the other kids out for the afternoon, and Aria chose to stay at home because her foot hurt. Katrina’s email was open on her computer, and an email popped up with news that Aria had been accepted. She called me at work to tell me the news. I cried. What else was there to do? My child had asserted her individual-ness and come out on top.

I am impressed by her maturity. She is ecstatic. I am ecstatic. I am very very pleased that she was chosen for the show. Half of the kids didn’t make it. But I am more proud that she tried. She found something she liked, stuck with it, found she was good at it, and became as accomplished as she possibly could become given the opportunities available to her. Then she saw an opportunity to stretch herself even more, an opportunity to take a risk of rejection. And she took it. That was the real milestone. This was not something her parents could protect her with or influence in any way. We had done what we could to prepare her, now it was out into the wide, cruel world to see how she flew, and if she could land.

Pondering this situation and how to define success, I came to conclude that success can be easily defined in this formula: success = (successful attempts) + (failed attempts). It is no more complicated than that. A life of unmitigated success is a life in which one didn't take many risks.

It is one of the singular challenges of parenthood to prepare our kids for the attempt:

1. the desire to make the attempt,

2. opportunities for an attempt

3. have the ability to self-evaluate the wisdom of the attempt,

4. have the courage to make the attempt

5. the equanimity to take success gratefully and gracefully

6. the maturity to work through a failure to prepare for another attempt

Despite our parenting, Aria made it through. I do consider this her first step into the wide world. But she’s ready for it. All I can say to her is: “You go, girl – you’ve got a lot of living to do.”

Dieting Update

Many moons ago, I wrote a post about 2 small dietary changes I had made and their initial results. To review:

1) no snacks in my drawer at work

2) severely reduce my sugary drink consumption (no pop at lunch, no choco milk at home)

In 3 months, I lost 15 lbs. Then, in January, I had to go to Phoenix for a 3 month work assignment. I gained 5 of it back. I was ok with that. I got back on the wagon in April, but didn't see much in the way of results. I was biking to work, but not doing much else by way of exercise. Then we had a vacation, immediately followed by a week of the bike in the shop.

When I got the bike back, it was July 6. 25 days until a planned solo century with lots o' climb. So for the first time, I was training hard and had no snacks at the office. Lunch time became very productive. In addition, I took a cue from my big bro, upped my protein intake and downed my bread intake.

Result? Dropped 7 lbs in 4 weeks.

I figured out my basal metabolic rate (which was really handy), how much I was biking, and how much I was eating over the course of a regular week. Guess what? My normal food intake was enough to meet my BMR. So by keeping my food intake steady but upping calories burned, all my exercise was losing fat. And building muscle. Turned out it's really not that complicated.

Now, I'm not dogmatic. When we go out to eat as a family, I'll get what I darn well please. When I go to Taco Bell, I'll get the Big Box Meal. I had a root beer float last night. But on my long bike ride on Saturday (112 miles, over 6000' of climb), I ate 2500 calories and burned 10,000 calories. I also ate a normal breakfast and dinner, for about a net burn of 5,000 calories.

I've still got about 20 lbs around the middle to lose, and I'd like to increase my upper body mass, but I'm on a sustainable path, and that's very exciting.

Now, off to the studio to repair my airplane. Gotta fly!