April 13, 2015: When Do You Give Up?

The obvious, and incorrect, answer is, "Never!"  Countless books and well-meaning people describe the person who never (never, ever, ever) gives up as the ultimate winner.

Well, hang on.  Michael Phelps is the most decorated Olympic swimmer in the history of the world.  Has he given up on Theoretical Physics?  How has his charcoal portraiture skill improved over time?  Has he learned to speak Russian yet?

You see, no one can do everything.  Firstly, no one has time.  Secondly, there are things that deep down, you know you are no good at.  They just don't fit your temperament.  You may not be a person who is a good leader, and you know it.  You probably should not go into management if that's the case.  You may be a person who is good with big picture, and terrible with details.  You would make a bad CPA, although you might make a good CPA manager.

I have a good friend who tends to get over-involved.  She joined a professional organization a while ago because she had never done that kind of thing before.  Why not try something a little out of her comfort zone, she thought.  So she did, and she liked it.  She got to know the leadership of the club, and when they asked if she'd like to become part of the leadership team, she was excited by the opportunity.

Time passed.  The person she was taking over for left the leadership team (his term was over, it was all planned), and there she was: a responsible person in a professional organization.  And she hated it.  The role she was recruited for was not something she was good at, and she knew it.  She thought about her responsibilities all the time, she even had bad dreams about things going badly.  Her mild social anxiety blew up when it was time to meet with the team.

The worst part about it was this, though: she does not fail often.  She made a few changes in how she approached the job, but none of them worked.  After several months, she thought long and hard about the whole situation.  How would I feel as the club's president if someone had done such a poor job?  How would I feel as another member of the leadership team if someone else was completely shirking her responsibilities?

And she realized: I would fire me.

And then she thought: can I do better?

And she realized: I don't think so.

And that was when she knew she had to resign.  She did not resign because she didn't want to try.  She resigned because she wanted to help the club, but knew she was not up to the task.  The club would be better served by someone else.  So she wrote a resignation letter, stating her regrets and apologies, and assuring the president of the club that the entire leadership team was fantastic.

It was hard to write, but it was the right thing to do.  As soon as she send the email, she felt a weight lift from her shoulders.  A weight of expectation, a weight of failure, a weight of self-recrimination.

The answer to the question of when is it right to give up is going to be different for different people and situations.  In this case, a recognition that the she was the wrong person for the job was enough.  It might be that your family pulls you in a certain direction, and you can't pursue a hobby any more.  Perhaps you realize you simply can not work with that guy.  Perhaps the task at hand gives you immense stress and no satisfaction.  There are many valid reasons for giving up.  But successful people don't look for reasons to give up.  The reasons smack them across the face and say, "You got any reason to think I'm wrong????"  And the successful person looks the reason in the eyes and replies, after some thought, "I suppose not."

And maybe what she did might not be called giving up.  It might be called recognizing one's limits.  It might be called refocusing.  But it was also giving up.  Calling it a different name didn't make it easier for her.

And it was still the right thing to do.