November 10, 2014: Looking for Lessons in All the Right Places

Imagine yourself as 13 year-old middle school student.  You were assigned to read To Kill a Mockingbird and write a short book report.  The report is due tomorrow, and you don't even know who Boo is.  You go to your mother in a panic.  "Mom, I have a report due tomorrow and I can't get it done!  I'm going to flunk!"  Your mother sees your panic and decides to relieve it.

"Don't worry about it, dear," she says.  "I'll write it for you."  You thank her and go to bed.  When you wake up, there is a nicely printed book report with your name on it.  You turn it in, and get a good grade.

What did you learn from the experience?  I asked this question to a group of teenagers recently.  "Nothing" was the first response.  I challenged that answer.  "Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because you didn't read the book, so you didn't learn anything."

"You learned that you got a good grade," another one piped in.  A boy in the group raised his hand.

Ed is usually the quietest person in the room.  I turned to him.  "Yes, Ed?"

"You learned that if you don't do it, your mother will do it for you."

None of the answers were wrong.  They all made sense.  But the rightest answer was Ed's.  It was an unintended lesson on the part of the parent, who intended to impart that she loved her kid.  These unintended lessons are often the most important.

We give unintended lessons all the time.  If a peer refuses to compromise in a reasonable way, and we cave in to keep the peace, we have taught a lesson both to ourselves and the other party.  We have taught her that we don't believe in our position enough to fight for it.  If our supervisor demands we do it his way and no other way, despite the existence of a viable and obviously superior solution, our supervisor has taught us that he cares more about obedience than performance.  And we have learned that following is better than thinking.

These are all unintended lessons, and you may have noticed that they all share a similar trait: while the intended lessons are specific (the issue that we cave in on, the direction we got from our boss), the unintended lessons are global and affect the quality, quantity, and type of our work in a holistic way.

A few years ago I hit a thorny patch at work; I was stressed to paralysis and didn't know what to do.  I started to set aside time during my work week to reflect.  What things happened this week that I didn't like?  Why did they go that way?  What did I learn from the experience in a holistic way?  What did I teach someone else about me through the experience?  What do I need to do in the future to unteach an unintended lesson?  This practice helps me keep stock of where I am, uncovers the hidden stressors in the office, and helps me to plan for the future.

What unintended lessons are people in your life teaching you?  What are you teaching them?  If you ask and reflect carefully, patiently, and openly, you may be surprised at the answers you find.